These hands are my father's hands but smaller

Today has probably been my best day since getting back to Dallas. I decided to try and get back into some semblance of a routine instead of just zoning out on the couch, eating crap, and staring blankly at the TV. I started the day by juicing the items from our co-op share that were on their last legs (carrots, kiwi, apples, broccoli). I made an acorn squash (my first try ever at preparing a winter squash (thanks Urban Acres!) and it was really pretty damn good. I also made some seitan with onions and broccoli. I was reminded how eating real, healthy, nutritious food can make a positive impact on one's mood. I'm still very sad but that's to be expected. At least I could get it together enough to take care of myself today.

So I got back to class today and it was a better one than my class earlier in the week. I still feel very heavy and tired in body, brain, and heart, but it was a modicum better today. Again, I couldn't get through the entire warm-up series before sitting. I kept popping up and trying bits of the standing series but at some point (it's fuzzy), I got hit by a big wave of emotion and started crying. My instructor (the fabulous Rachel, who has a yoga blog of her own) was kind enough to bring me a few tissues so I didn't have to wipe my face off on my towel. Rachel, if you're reading this, I couldn't really speak much after class, but thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

After that little outburst of emotion, I pulled it together and had a good end to the standing series. I managed to do toe stand more comfortably than I ever have before. It kind of took me aback, honestly. I was balanced on one foot, with my hands by my sides, looking at the floor and thinking, "Huh. I'm actually... doing this. Weird."

The floor series continues to be my favorite part of the class. I had a great spine strengthening series, especially full locust. I almost felt like I was flying. I could feel my spine curving right where it was supposed to. I got a small cramp in my back during bow but I didn't release the posture because of it. I pushed through and was rewarded with a blissful feeling on release.

Camel was lovely. Rachel even called me out for doing well on my first set! I felt more aligned in my hips than normal and really pushed them forward as hard as I could. I saw further up my mat than I usually can and when I released, I felt this huge WHOOSH of emotion rise up in me. It wasn't sad emotion, it was just... emotion. No way to really describe it. I need this posture very much right now.

All in all, it was a pretty decent class considering where I am physically and emotionally right now. In other, non-yoga breakthroughs, I had a childhood memory of my dad rise to the surface and I smiled. I know I'm not done with tears yet, but at least I had a glimpse of what's waiting on the other side.