Day 1: In Memoriam

This is a far different blog post than I normally share, but I think this situation warrants it. Today, I started my 64 day challenge in honor of my father, who passed away unexpectedly on January 16, 2011, one day after his 64th birthday.

I am very close to my family and my father was no exception. He was such a caring, funny, and intelligent man. When people first met him, they were normally somewhat intimidated by his stature, as he was built kind of like a tree - solid and strong and tall. He had a deep, gruff voice with a touch of Boston accent and his mouth was always covered by a graying mustache. He appeared to have a very calm and serious demeanor, always seemed very focused, and spoke and acted with intention.

However, when you got to know him, you realized his appearance belied his true nature. He was a giant teddy bear. Under the outward, shall we say, "saltiness," he was wonderfully goofy and silly. One of my favorite memories of my dad features him dancing (aka shaking his butt and wiggling his fingers) up and down the hallway between the kitchen and the family room, singing along to the "COPS" theme song. He loved puns and what I like to call "groaner" jokes, you know, where the only logical response is to groan dramatically and roll your eyes. His sense of humor was quite dry and people often had a hard time telling if he was joking or serious. Once you were in on the joke, you realized just how funny and clever he was.

His sense of humor was balanced by his incredibly hard work ethic and dedication to his commitments. My father was a workhorse, to say the least. If my dad had to call in to work, it was for a serious reason - and I barely recall two such instances in my life. He woke up at four o'clock in the morning every morning to begin his day. Despite clocking in twelve hour days, he never missed a play, a game, or a dance recital of mine or my sister's. He would even travel to my away games, regardless of how far away they were. He was a very active dad and took joy in being there for us.

Speaking of being there for us, if it weren't for my father, I would have been clueless in all my math and science classes. My father was a chemical engineer and had a brain that could figure out how just about anything worked. He spent countless hours tutoring me in things that my artsy brain had a hard time wrapping around. It was not unusual in high school for me to sit at the kitchen table with my dad for hours, going over homework, asking questions about concepts I didn't understand, having him check my work and challenge me to make sure I really understood and hadn't just figured out how to fake the answer. He cared very much about my success in school and made sure that it was very important to me to me, too.

My dad was a total car guy. He loved working in the garage on all of our cars. Until I moved to Texas, I never took my car to a mechanic, my dad just always did everything for me. He'd get up early on Saturdays to check the fluids in my car and make sure everything was running smoothly. Additionally, I can't count the number of times he gave rides to friends of ours whose cars had run into problems. One particular time springs to mind: several friends and I were at a rave in a city about an hour and a half away from my parents' house. We left the party at 5 am to find my friend's car had been stolen and we had no way home. I called my dad in the wee hours of the morning and told him the situation. Before I even hung up the phone, he had gotten dressed and was on his way. He spent the better part of the day driving us to our respective locations, which spanned two states (ok, New England states, but whatever).

Despite his reliability and penchant for working hard, he loved to have fun. He used to take my sister and I to carnivals all through the summer season and went on any ride we wanted to go on. I can remember screaming our lungs out together on many a roller coaster. He always let us play the midway games even though they're clearly rigged. We always managed to go home clutching some silly stuffed animal he either outright won for us or somehow helped us to win. On family vacations, we'd spend the majority of the time either in a pool or in the ocean. Dad liked to hoist my sister and I up on his shoulders and toss us across the water, while shouting a silly nonsense word I don't even know how to spell.

He wasn't one of those "intimidate the boyfriend" types, either. He trusted my judgment in cases of the heart and always welcomed whatever (usually inappropriate) guy I brought home with kindness and generosity. When I told him I was going to Texas to meet Jason for the first time (we met online), he looked up some buddies in the area and gave me their business cards so I could call them if anything happened - but he allowed me the freedom to go follow my heart. When he met Jason, it was amazing. They totally just clicked. They could sit and shoot the shit about just about anything. On one recent stay in Boston, I had to do some work while on vacation, so I was holed up in the living room with my laptop for the better part of a day. My dad and Jason just chilled together in the kitchen, reading the paper, watching TV, chatting about sports and cars and politics. I am so glad that Jason and my father had the opportunity to connect, to get to know and like each other. It means the world to me to know that my two main men got along so famously.

I could write about my dad forever, and will likely have more stories to share along the way, but it is time to bring this to a close. I dedicate this 64 day challenge to my father, John: for bringing me into this world, for teaching me strength through his example, for giving me my sense of humor, for his implicit faith in me, for helping the helpless, for being a shining example in the application of dedication, for showing me what a true work ethic is, for his unending patience with his wacky artsy daughter, for giving me 26 beautiful years, for being the best father I could have ever asked for.

Daddy, I love you. I always have; I always will. You were my hero. This one's for you.

These hands are my father's hands but smaller

Today has probably been my best day since getting back to Dallas. I decided to try and get back into some semblance of a routine instead of just zoning out on the couch, eating crap, and staring blankly at the TV. I started the day by juicing the items from our co-op share that were on their last legs (carrots, kiwi, apples, broccoli). I made an acorn squash (my first try ever at preparing a winter squash (thanks Urban Acres!) and it was really pretty damn good. I also made some seitan with onions and broccoli. I was reminded how eating real, healthy, nutritious food can make a positive impact on one's mood. I'm still very sad but that's to be expected. At least I could get it together enough to take care of myself today.

So I got back to class today and it was a better one than my class earlier in the week. I still feel very heavy and tired in body, brain, and heart, but it was a modicum better today. Again, I couldn't get through the entire warm-up series before sitting. I kept popping up and trying bits of the standing series but at some point (it's fuzzy), I got hit by a big wave of emotion and started crying. My instructor (the fabulous Rachel, who has a yoga blog of her own) was kind enough to bring me a few tissues so I didn't have to wipe my face off on my towel. Rachel, if you're reading this, I couldn't really speak much after class, but thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

After that little outburst of emotion, I pulled it together and had a good end to the standing series. I managed to do toe stand more comfortably than I ever have before. It kind of took me aback, honestly. I was balanced on one foot, with my hands by my sides, looking at the floor and thinking, "Huh. I'm actually... doing this. Weird."

The floor series continues to be my favorite part of the class. I had a great spine strengthening series, especially full locust. I almost felt like I was flying. I could feel my spine curving right where it was supposed to. I got a small cramp in my back during bow but I didn't release the posture because of it. I pushed through and was rewarded with a blissful feeling on release.

Camel was lovely. Rachel even called me out for doing well on my first set! I felt more aligned in my hips than normal and really pushed them forward as hard as I could. I saw further up my mat than I usually can and when I released, I felt this huge WHOOSH of emotion rise up in me. It wasn't sad emotion, it was just... emotion. No way to really describe it. I need this posture very much right now.

All in all, it was a pretty decent class considering where I am physically and emotionally right now. In other, non-yoga breakthroughs, I had a childhood memory of my dad rise to the surface and I smiled. I know I'm not done with tears yet, but at least I had a glimpse of what's waiting on the other side.

"Nothing is ever lost; it is here."

Tonight, I returned to my yoga practice after a two-week break to deal with my father's accident & death. I was extremely nervous for class as I'm not in the habit of taking long stretches of time off and also because I have a lot of emotions bubbling around inside that I was afraid would release in a way I couldn't control. What can I say? Once a control freak, always a control freak. Especially without the benefit of daily yoga practice.

Predictably, my body was stiff and inflexible. I felt wildly out of alignment on most postures. I couldn't muster up the energy to power through the standing series. I had to lay down in savasana for the majority of the standing series and I think I might have (oops) fallen asleep during some of it. At any rate, my brain was kind of shut off and my body & heart felt as heavy as bricks.

The floor series was pretty solid, though I was still plagued by the inflexibility and heavy heart. I grew increasingly emotional with each floor posture. My instructor (who knew what the deal was with me) said some really profound things about loss in between postures. The one that (again, predictably) set me off into a crying jag was, "Nothing is ever lost; it is here." It was so simple and so beautiful and reached into my heart.

So after that point, I couldn't keep myself from crying but I didn't let it stop me from doing the postures. I cried from half tortoise past the end of class. I actually haven't done a whole lot of crying in the past two weeks and I think perhaps my body and my soul needed to release that emotion. I was mildly embarrassed but there wasn't much I could do about it. I just hope my tears didn't distract anyone from their practice.

It was a pretty unremarkable class physically but it was very therapeutic and helpful to me emotionally. I think that when I'm caught up at work, I will undertake a 64 day challenge, one for each year of my father's life, dedicated to his memory. I think this will help me to deal with a lot of the complex emotions that surface when you lose a loved one, as well as keep me connected to his spirit via yoga and meditation. I'm also contemplating a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat and a beginner meditation class at the Ananda Center. 2011 is going to be a confusing and difficult one for me and I need all the help I can get.

To every thing, there is a season.

I don't want you all to think I've ditched my yoga practice because I haven't posted. My father passed away suddenly this week while on a trip to California and I've been out there with my family. I'm heading back to Boston, where my family's from, for a week or so before returning home to Dallas and my practice. I may squeeze in a class this week at some point but it's just frankly not my priority right now. I will be back very soon upon my return to Dallas.

AWESOME DOUBLE DAY WOO!

Today was definitely my best double yet! Days like this are so gratifying. It's so wonderful to be able to not just complete a double but to feel like you kinda rocked it. Of course, I still have plenty of improvements to make, but it is always nice to feel like you're taking steps towards a better practice.

I took the 10 am as the first leg of my double (my yoga pal Nita was teaching and I LOVE her classes) and I was able to hold it together a lot better in the standing series than I have this week. My backbends are really getting stronger and this improvement is helping in so many postures it's unbelievable. I'm figuring out how to relax into the bend even deeper. It's taken me a while to figure out how to not tense my back up while I'm trying to get a 360 degree angle backward bend but now that I've gotten a taste of it, I'm super excited.

The second part of awkward is getting even better for me. I'm still working on getting up on my toes and balancing but the good news is that my ankles are really starting to open up and strengthen. Normally when I attempt to go on my toes, my weight shoots out to the side of my foot and my ankle goes, for lack of a better term, all wonky. Today I noticed that I was able to go straight up without any of the wobbly ankle. SUCCESS! I still can't bend my knees without my hips shooting out in some crazy way to make me lose my balance but I'm happy with my progress nonetheless.

I'm noticing that I'm able to hold my foot longer in standing head to knee without losing my balance. I think it has to do with the contraction of my stomach muscles and my willful detachment from the uncomfortable sensations that make me want to quit. I don't really know how to explain how to pull away from your senses, mostly because I'm not that great at it yet, but it's almost like you check out of your body and basically tell your brain to refuse to feel the discomfort. I've been having a degree of success with it so I'm going to keep on trucking.

Rabbit is becoming another one of my favorite poses suddenly. I've been consistently getting my head to my knees which I never though I would be able to do with my stomach to boob ratio. Once I lift my hips off my heels, the feeling is really intense and incredible. I feel like I'm full of helium when I release, like I'm about to float away into the ether.

So after the first class, Nita and I went to Spiral Diner for a healthy vegan lunch and it was delicious. Spiral is my favorite restaurant in Dallas and since Nita's from Vegas, I wanted to show her some of the cooler haunts here. She remarked that the food was really flavorful, and boy howdy, is it! We had a really nice time, chatting about our lives and, of course, our practices. She's a very cool person and I'm glad to have met her.

After lunch, I kind of wasn't feeling going back to class but there was no way I was going to bail on my yoga date! I think making plans with people to do healthy things is a really great way to make you follow through on them and not quit on yourself. This probably means I need to work on my own determination but it's a long journey! Really, the hardest part of a double is getting out the door to go to the second class.

The second class, the 5pm, was fantaaastic. My muscles were loose from having practiced a few hours earlier and I was much more in touch with my breathing from having worked out a bunch of kinks in the earlier lesson. I was WAY more aligned than I think I've ever been, partially from having been to class once before and partially because of my increased focus on my alignment. It was nice to not have to struggle with my hips/ankles as much as normal and I think I made some really great changes to my body in this class.

I had a really good time with both standing and floor bow in this class and I'm thinking that it had to have something to do with my uber-warm spine. In standing bow, I was really pushing my arm/shoulder towards the mirror while kicking my leg back and I felt much more balanced than I ever have. My leg might not have been as high as it's gotten before but that's not really the point of the posture anyway. My knee was locked, my weight was balanced, my shoulder was to my chin, and I was focused on the spot between my eyebrows. It all just kind of fell into place. On the floor, I kicked my legs back so hard - like, so. incredibly. hard. I almost got a cramp in my back! The release was beyond words. I could have melted into a puddle on the floor.

To make a (very) long story short: Today's double was the best yet and really inspired me to try them out more often. I only had five and a half hours between classes which I thought was going to be hard but I actually think it's a little easier than spacing them out really far. It really is all in your mind! Set your brain to thinking it'll be fun instead of hard and, whaddya know, it'll be fun instead of hard.

Namaste. :)

Today was just great...

...and I don't even mean that sarcastically!

I started off the day with a big glass of green juice, which made me feel amazing. I also brewed my own rhodiola & stevia tea, which gave me so much energy I was bouncing happily about the house doing all sorts of things that needed doing. I know I have yesterday's yoga to thank for a lot of my happy mood and energy. When I have great classes like that, the world just feels so much lighter.

Today was another awesome class, though not quiiiite as good as yesterday's. I'm really pushing myself in the warm-up series these days. I've figured out a lot of my problem in the second part of awkward. I have been noticing that I tend to keep my weight on the outsides of my feet when standing. I've been working really hard at keeping my right shoulder down, which keeps my right hip in alignment, which helps me to balance my weight more evenly on my feet. When all those keys are in place, going up on my toes becomes (just slightly) easier. I can push more weight to my big and second toe and not have my ankles roll to the side. It's a small breakthrough but a much-welcome one. I haven't had much improvement at all in this posture until this week, so I am very grateful.

After the warm-up, I was kind of yoga-wasted. That's kind of the nickname I've given to the wild not-dizzy-dizziness feeling that you get from spineplay. I kept trying to pull away from the feeling ("don't get too attached") but I didn't have much success with that today. I wound up having to take a little break on the floor and didn't get to try standing separate leg stretching, which kinda bummed me out. I did, however, scrape myself off the floor for an attempt at triangle. It was one of my best ones yet! The teacher even gave me a little shout-out - a feat I have never achieved on triangle. I made sure to not put even the slightest bit of pressure on my knee with my elbow and reached for my toes as hard as I could. I tend to lose my balance once I switch my gaze to the ceiling and I wound up falling out of it, but the start was so good that I couldn't be too upset! Despite having to take some breaks, I felt positive about my progress in the standing series.

The floor series was awesome as well. I'm starting to really get a handle on my alignment and it makes it much easier to get the spinal compression in the right spot. I love when I release and I can't quite focus my eyes and I feel all the energy rushing through my body. I'm still having some trouble getting my alignment right in the set-up for bow, which is something I'm definitely going to ask about when I get to taking that private lesson I've been squawking about. (Ooooh, side note! I bought a yoga journal from Phofun on Etsy and I plan on using it to write down things I have questions about, detail my trouble spots, write down quotes from books I read that strike me, etc. I'm pumped.)

I am having a good amount of improvement in rabbit. I can now almost always lift my hips up off my heels and today I felt stretching not just in my neck but also in my lower spine by my coccyx. This posture used to be kind of a lazy one for me, one I'd relax in instead of pushing hard, but the removal of my hips from my feet has totally changed that for me. The best part about that is that I get a similar feeling upon release that I do after camel. Totally worth the extra effort!

I also have been improving on spinal twist. I can feel the twist all the way up to my neck these days. The key is keeping both hips solid and my floor knee in contact with the floor, evenly balancing my weight. Then I can really stretch my spine and use my arms to torque my body backwards. It's great.

Tomorrow is my double date with Nita! It's going to be SO much fun. It's my first double in a while and I plan on definitely making sure I hydrate/eat properly between classes so I can have two strong classes. I'll be sure to let you know how it all goes!

This one was good from the get-go.

Today's class was out of this world. It was one of the best classes I've had in recent memory. I love it when this happens, these classes make it totally worth struggling through the really bad ones.

I had a really great start to class with pranayama breathing. I had a lot of success with keeping my chest lifted and rolling my head back. I think it's definitely the farthest I've seen on the back wall, which was exciting. The further you're able to go in the pose, the better it winds up feeling. Who knew?

My backbends are getting better and better! After my first one today, I got that not-unlike-dizziness-but-totally-not-dizziness spinal energy feeling and it carried me, honestly, through the rest of the entire day. I couldn't do absolutely everything in the standing series because I kept getting overwhelmed by that feeling. I felt like I was reaching new levels of depth in nearly every posture and it released a ton of crazy energy in my body. It's a really overwhelming feeling and at one point I really focused on not pulling away from the feeling but relaxing into it. I only captured this relaxation for a couple seconds but it was completely amazing. There are no words.

I touched my head to the floor in both sets of standing separate leg stretching and both times it gave me the world's biggest head rush. It felt incredible and unsettling and wonderful. I really cannot crow about that feeling enough. It's so unbelievably cool.

The instructor gave me a great correction in cobra and it made the entire spine strengthening series amazing for me. I was able to work so much deeper into my spine than ever before and I got so many head & body rushes that I could barely see. Camel and rabbit were both so intense. I wish every class could be like this one!

After class, I couldn't stop grinning. Not just smiling but ear-to-ear grinning. I was singing along with the radio at top volume, practically dancing in the good ol' rental car. I've been energetic and happy all day long. Now I'm pretty wiped out and am ready to curl up in bed and do some reading but ever since the opening breath of pranayama, my day has totally rocked. Thumbs way up. Thanks, yoga!