Ladies and gentlemen, I am hitting my stride.
Class has gotten to the point where it just feels good. Even if I have a sort of hard class with the dizzies or my focus, I still feel amazing when I leave. I'm noticing a lot of emotional releases in class now (camel and rabbit, i'm looking at you) and it feels unlike anything I've ever felt before. It's a lightness; it's an unloading. I am so intensely grateful for this feeling.
In awesome body-image news: I'm starting to notice HUGE changes in my body. A lady I see at class on occasion stopped me today and said, "I just wanted to say that I haven't been at class in the past two weeks and I can't believe how good you look since the last time I saw you! How much weight have you lost?" - to which I blushed, stammered, and said, "Creeping up on 50 pounds now!" and then it kind of hit me that I've almost lost 50 pounds. The most weight I've ever shed in the past was 35 pounds and that was with obsessive calorie counting which, of course, led to failure. I don't count calories or track my food or measure my portions anymore. I just do my yoga and it works itself out. What a release.
It's a little weird to, like, check myself out in the mirror but I've been taking visual notes on my body to track my changes. I've noticed some really big changes in my upper body since starting yoga but especially lately. My arm muscles are getting pretty defined (though I'll need to lose more fat before you can really see it), and my collarbone is starting to become visible further up towards the shoulder. On the lower half, my legs are freaking diesel (for me) and my hip bones have come out to say hi. This might sound weird but I had such a messed up idea of where my hips actually were. I now know! Heh.
I've had varying degrees of energy after class this week. Yesterday, I had the most ridiculous crazy energy. I couldn't sit still and I did an awful lot of standing. I kept finding myself creeping up on my toes and trying to balance (since the second part of awkward pose is hell for me to find my balance in) and I was light, happy, and talkative.
It makes me a little emotional when I look back on my progress just in the past year. When Jason and I went to New York City in September of last fall, I felt disabled by my size. I developed crazy pain and numbness in my right leg from the first day of walking. By the last day of our trip, I had to embarrassingly insist on taking a cab everywhere because my leg hurt so bad I couldn't walk. It was humiliating. I have never felt so bad about myself in my life as I did on that trip.
And now? I want to walk everywhere. Hell, I can even run - and not just fast walking, but actual running! My legs are strong and I know my quads are built up enough to guide my kneecaps (which was a problem I encountered when I first started to get in shape). I'm no longer handicapped by my size. I have come to a point in my life where the question of hitting my goal weight isn't even a question anymore, it's just a matter of time. I don't have any doubts I can be at a healthy weight for my height. My determination is fixed. I will be a success story and then I will help other people find the same success and experience this peace.
I do believe I have found my calling.
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